An Insider’s Perspective: Getting Help For a Struggling Child

 

“I’ve been a pediatric OT for 8 years.  I can handle parenting. Even a tricky kid would be no problem for me,” was my general line of thinking. Then Judah came along. We longed for my son, and his arrival into our family four years ago has brought so much joy. Judah has developed as a typical child in so many ways. He is cheerful, creative, and affectionate, loves diggers and animals, and has a blast playing outside in the snow.

He’s a Live Wire

When he was born I was home full-time and as wholly devoted as any first time mom. He was well adjusted – sleeping and eating well, bright eyed, and cheerful.  There were occasional hints of the storms to come, the hardwired personality making itself known. As a newborn a mere 6 hours old, he fussed in my husband’s arms. We were not able to calm him, even when we tried walking, swaddling, or shushing.

My husband paced the floor and said, “He’s a little temperamental. I think he’s going to be a live wire.” “How can you possibly know that, he’s six hours old?”  I asked.  At four months old he wanted to stand, and I wanted him to sit.  He straightened all four limbs, looked my husband right in the eyes, somehow stamped one foot, and screamed one shrill scream of defiance. “I want to STAND” his four month old self clearly asserted.

Observing the Struggles

Judah began to scream for his milk, scream for a book, and scream to be out of his car seat. His language skills developed early. Even in the presence of two attentive parents and a wide, descriptive vocabulary, he always went for the scream and demand option first. Tantrums and screaming almost  always included Judah running to his bedroom and slamming his door, like a teenager filled with angst, and occurred over most any situation. Then we added another baby. The screaming intensified almost overnight in direct connection to the new arrival of Judah’s little brother. Now along with the screams came physical aggression, throwing, and hitting.

I had already been trying my OT tricks, the ones that help children who can’t seem to self calm or regulate emotions. I offered a wide variety of calming sensory input, I tried a picture schedule with lots of warnings of transitions, and I used a timer. We stayed on a regular schedule with hyper vigilance to hours of sleep, limited TV, turned down activities that might upset him, and limited sugar. I went down the rabbit trail of food allergies being the cause of his struggle to manage his intense emotions and tantrums.

This included pouring my heart out to family and friends, trying their suggestions but not finding any magical cures. I took parenting classes and ascribed to various parenting styles trying to find one that fit his temperament and needs. Even with all this,  I found the joy of my little boy slipping away, his needs and  demands exhausting my ability to be present, loving and connected. I started struggling to find things I liked about my little boy. Yes, I loved him, but liking his company – not so much.

The Pains of Parenting

The “maybes” and “what ifs” plagued me. What if there is mold in the house? Maybe he has autism? Maybe he ate some dairy?  What if he has oppositional defiance disorder? Maybe I’m not such a good parent after all?

That one final statement is what started to plague me most of all. Maybe I’m not such a good parent after all. It was heartbreaking to pour myself into this person, this relationship and watch him be so upset with such regularity and no apparent cause, no medical diagnosis. Even in the presence of loving parents who were trying so many tricks and strategies, nothing was really changing his or my own sense of well being. It became exhausting on all fronts. The emotional temperature in our home was high. I was always stressed, on edge, and weighed down with guilt. I found myself losing my temper in ways I never thought I would before I was a  parent, and my husband was exhausted helping to care for a new baby and trying to keep Judah and me somewhat in harmony.

You are Not Alone

Finally, I hit my wall and a counselor friend of mine suggested I talk with a colleague of hers who specializes in play therapy for young children and their families. I called her in tears  saying “This isn’t what I thought it would be,” “I can’t help my own child,” and “He’s just not ok and neither am I.”

How Counselling Helped Us

First we began weekly visits without Judah. I started telling her our story, of Judah’s recent infractions at school, his recent statements of wanting to hurt his brother, and the two hour bedtime horror that unfolded every single day. She noticed in our story that we had moved quite a few times…five times in his four years of life, actually. The counselor noticed that I went back to work when he was 8 months old, at the height of a child’s development of separation anxiety. She commented that a lot of personality is hard wired and it sounds like I got handed a more intense kiddo than some.

Our counselor thinks that Judah might have separation anxiety and has taught me that when younger children act angrily or aggressively it is often coming from a place of deep sadness or anxiety. That had NEVER occurred to me!

A New Perspective

Going to counseling is giving me a whole new perspective on parenting. Not parenting in general, but parenting MY KID with his unique personality and needs that have arisen based upon his experiences in life as well as my own. She gives me strategies to support him through his anxiety. I try them at home and let her know how it went the week before. She helps me breakdown our problem areas (bedtime, mealtime, transitions, etc.) into step by step increments to identify where the problem is and provides some problem solving strategies to simplify these areas in order to decrease conflict.

The counselor also highlights some key points of typical emotional development in children Judah’s age so I can see what is normal and what is coming from anxiety for him. She is helping me break down my parenting strategies and giving me perspective on how I’m a part of the problem, which is empowering me to be a part of our solution.

Starting to See Some Changes

Not all children respond the way Judah is to this counseling, but the difference in my home because of this support is NIGHT and DAY! Judah is screaming only occasionally, at a rate that seems typical and appropriate for a four year old  trying to navigate a complex life.  I have someone coaching me on what to say and how to help him when he expresses anger that makes him want to hurt someone and he is no longer lashing out physically. He is affectionate, cheerful, singing, and kind again. He has changed in ways I didn’t know he could…and so have I.

I feel more confident as a parent. I am starting to work through the grief I am experiencing that this kid, my kid, didn’t turn out exactly as I had expected, and I am finding a calm presence that is flowing over onto Judah. Finally, I have the  emotional energy to support him through meltdowns when they happen because I’m not chronically exhausted.

I asked our therapist how to know when counseling would be good for a child or family. She said, “If what is going on, either emotionally or behaviorally, is interrupting the enjoyment and function of daily life, at any age, then counseling can be helpful.”

Another counselor in the community had this to say, “My focus in counseling tends to be aimed at strengthening relationships and increasing understanding between parent and child.  When parents understand clearly what is motivating their child, the child will feel validated and then behavior can be addressed together, with both parent and child participating in the solution.”

Possible Resources

The Gallatin Valley has many LCPC’s or Licensed Clinical Professional Counselors, as well as LSW or Licensed Social Workers who provide counseling for children and families.  These professionals are trained in a variety of counseling techniques. This way they are able to help children and families in the best ways possible. Sometimes the reason to seek counseling is obvious, such as divorce, death of a loved one, bullying, grief related to a childhood medical diagnosis, or other noticeable and traumatic events. But sometimes, it isn’t so obvious, as in my situation.

If you think that counseling could help you, ask your family physician for names of people to talk to or call MOSAIC Rehabilitation for a list of counselors in the area who    specialize in working with children, teens, and their families. Next, call the counselor and explain your situation and concerns. Ask if they have experience working with families like yours. Make sure you feel comfortable with that person and that their personality will go well with that of you or your child. Most important, don’t be afraid to talk with more than one person to find a good fit.

Your counselor can also help you find other professionals that can help support your kiddo, including therapy services like physical therapy, occupational therapy, or speech therapy or referring out for further testing needs or other areas of support.

Counseling, from my perspective, is another great tool to add to the tool bag as we do our best to raise healthy and happy kids, no matter their circumstance.